It’s 5 early morning yet I’m still awake doing nothing really productive. I am scheduled to something important by 9am today but I think with my condition right now, I’ll screw up this schedule for the second time around. Well, I missed blogging. I missed not the "smorty","blogsvertise" or any other sponsored blogging days but I miss blogging my heart out. Lately, I’ve been stucked with a lot of annoying things, people and deadlines to catch up but what stucked me more is this annoying self of mine!
I’ve always reminded myself that it is a choice to be happy-since I’m not-it’s my choice! But oh, how would that be when all I’ve been thinking and longed for is to be happy. Well guys, there are really things in this world that we can’t control of, even ourselves. I masked myself with a smile yet inside it is a heart crying for something that even I couldn’t figure it out! Just a week ago when I blogged out with happiness but in a snap of a finger-all were lost! I screwed up a lot of people lately because of what impatience has driven me but above all this, I screwed up myself as if loosing all the values I learned in the past years. I thought I’ve grown up and I’ve been thinking I am strong enough- but I’m wrong. I’m still young and still vulnerable with necessary and unnecessary pains within.
Time knows best when to give us that chances to speak, share or even freak out. Time even knows when to drive off all my friends in the messenger’s list so I’d really end up no one to turn to. Why when we need people to talk with-they’re gone and leaving us hanging, in my case-well, it’s me. It’s the worst time of my life and yet I have no one to share with-no one to cheer up this hopeless being. I’ve been thinking earlier to go for a retreat or something that would collect the broken pieces of the good side in me. Then later I realized, I have to do it on my own. I broke myself and so I have to pick these pieces by my own. No one I think would dare to do. Well, that’s a hopeless thinking for a hopeless being. I’ve been thinking to get away from this place and from these people I’m dependent to so I could learn on my own. Then later my thoughts will share-there’s no running out. CONFUSED! That maybe the best word to describe me at this moment. Part of screwing up myself is becoming bad-even loving it to be bad. But oh, I realized I’m being rebellious with what’s happening within me and around me. I wanted a change- a better change. Yet, still confused of how will I begin that change. But I must! It isn’t too late, right?